Random Thoughts

INDEED

2011-12-11T15:16:00.001-05:00

Is this a brighter day, indeed,
When underneath the yellow light
There lies a vein of darkness deep
That hides me from your sight?

Is this the best that life can give,
A constant struggle just to live
Beyond the pull of nature's scar
And wicked thoughts of wanting hearts?

Is this of sin's result the worst?
A blessing traded for a curse,
The mind its own law to fulfill
No matter we're outside your will?

Is this the hope of ages past
Some proof that suffering does not last
And justice finally has its day,
Though when it comes no one can say?

Love Such As Yours

2011-09-25T17:58:00.002-04:00

A love such as yours
Includes, inherently,
A measure of mercy
Greater in quantity,
Finer in purity
Than the world of water
In the sum of seas.

A love such as yours
Offers, organically,
Tangible touches
Softer in texture,
Warmer in wonder
Than the westerly winds
In seventy summers.

A love such as yours
Knows, naturally,
The object's outcome
Beyond prediction,
More certain than hope
As right as returning rain
On parched plains pre-diluvian.

COBWEBS

2011-09-11T14:36:00.000-04:00

The cobwebs are many,
Sticky and determined
They secure the unused in place,
Skillfully trapping the haunted
Reminders of what has been.

Covered in tendrils elusive,
Forgotten but not removed,
They beg restoration
Like a dusty cathedral’s
Glass stained with memories.

Guarded by the subtle ward
They remain untempting
Yet in time we are drawn in
By the need to cleanse
And discover anew the forsaken.

The Honest Truth

2011-08-30T19:30:00.000-04:00

How we work the honest truth,
Shaping and conforming it
As with mindful carver’s tools
Until it looks appealing to the eye,
The lust of which is satisfied
As the conscience rests, appeased
By reason’s creativity.

We sculpt our rationalizations
So carefully, turning them over
In our manipulative hands
While regarding their beauty,
So pleasant to behold
In the light of our own will,
Even worth taking pride in.

We sell these imitations,
Using borrowed words to justify
Obvious differences in character,
Crafting our justifications lengthy
And spitting in the silent face
Of the one and only artist,
Smugly closed to His critique.

THE CHASM

2011-08-04T12:54:00.001-04:00

Where are you while I wander
Into the wilderness
Of my own making?
Do you see it too,
The stark creation
Of imagination
With so little to show?

If I were lost here nomadic,
Would you leave me be
Or pursue and rescue?
The plain is barren and rugged,
Sharp on the feet
That do not preach
The gospel of peace.

Here there is no one to listen;
Seclusion feels familiar
In the chasm of thought,
Incapable of getting across -
Such that when I call out
To the dust and clouds
Even you do not answer.

I would shut and lock the gates
If only that would stop me
From coming here again
To search for that which was lost
Before hope betrayed,
When dreams became lies
For the foolish at heart.

Seasons

2011-07-11T17:37:00.000-04:00

Soon enough, when winter comes
The fiery eyes of flames aglow
Will search our hearts for hope anew,
Emblazoned as a smile upon
The frozen lips that formed too few -
Through gray and ashen seasons
With the fruitless slow to learn,
Wisdom’s warmth by grief was earned.

And you will play
And I will sing
Of warmer, more endearing things
Then what we’ve burned
In summers passed
In place of Springtime’s fatted calf.

And soon we will return again
To till the fallow ground,
Enlist reward for standing firm
Among the lost and proud -
We’ll share with one another
What the harvest does reveal,
And teach the young a better way
With music’s fond appeal.

And you will play
And I will sing
Of warmer, more endearing things
Then what we’ve burned
In summers passed
In place of Springtime’s fatted calf.

Supposition

2011-06-11T21:26:00.002-04:00

Suppose I were to take you at your word,
Shout at the mountains immovable,
Focus my concentration like a glass
Narrowing the light to spark
Then watching for the burst of fire,
Expecting its imminence,
Willing it to consume
Every unworthy doubt
Until that which remains
In place of the giant
Is sanctified victory,
Faith's reward manifest,
The triumph of belief over reason
And destiny's golden path laid out
Before my astonished eyes
As it all comes into focus,
The apparition of the impossible removed.

Dilemma

2011-06-05T21:18:00.000-04:00

I'd want to fall in love with you

But then I'd want for nothing else

And wanting's good for human souls

Because we seek to want much less

............................................

I'd need you in my every hour

But then I'd need to cling too much

And you need servants more secure

To reach the needy they don't know

............................................

I'd give you every bit of me

But you're the one who gave it first

And how can I give what you own

Except the giving takes from yours

...........................................

I'd live to always be with you

But you live everywhere it seems

Your spirit lives inside of us

That we might choose not death but life

UNSPOKEN

2011-05-16T18:24:00.001-04:00

Unspoken truth -
Rendered powerless,
Unspoken lies -
Better off dead.
Unspoken emotion,
Bitter like poison,
Clouds the thoughts
Fixed in my head.

Unspoken opinion -
Neutrally lost,
Unspoken fact -
Far too rare.
Unspoken need
Constructs a trap for
Disappointment’s
Grand affair.

Unspoken worry -
Self-multiplying,
Unspoken hatred -
Hardens the heart.
Unspoken love
Must be the worst sin
I have committed
Of all these, by far.

Empty Words

2011-04-19T13:04:00.004-04:00

Your words are empty
As white-washed tombs,
Rote responses
Designed to placate or flatter,
Meaningless and insincere
They ease from your lips.

Your words, repeated
As to the deaf,
Cue cards all,
Spoken to patronize and subdue,
Haughty and pretentious
They speak not your heart.

Your words are placed
As guards for you,
Stick figures,
Sentries preventing conflict
Costly and precluding
Real communication.

Searching

2011-04-10T18:56:00.002-04:00

I'm always looking for you
And then sometimes you are there,
The very thing I've looked beyond,
Around, and through before -
Which causes me to wonder
If you've been there all along
And it's me who has forgotten
That it's right where you belong.

Found

2011-04-02T00:13:00.003-04:00

If you want to find me,
I'll tell you where I hide,
Behind the rugged cross of Christ
And in the place His grace resides,
For here is love made perfect
Where all fear is cast aside
And the spirit's yearning to be known
Is wholly satisfied.

If you want to know me,
This is where I am at heart,
Within the body, laying down
Our lives and lies the world imparts,
For herein love is made complete
That He would die for souls like ours
And set us free to be at peace
While safe within His arms.

Needs

2011-04-01T23:48:00.004-04:00

I need for something
To make sense
In terms I understand,
Framed by the mind's
Belief in truth
Alive in fellow man.

I need for someone
To reach me
With proof of goodness shown,
In acts of kindness
Unrequired
By which our faith is known.

I need for somehow
Words to heal
The grieving of my soul,
It's burdens heavy
Witnessing
A world that waxes cold.

I need for sometimes
Way down deep
Connection to be made,
For understanding
Some way meets
These needs the proper way.

IMMORTALITY

2011-03-22T22:45:00.000-04:00

Let us take remembrance of
The dawn of time when only love
Existed to the first of us
And yet unnamed were to remain
The concepts fear and pain
And the notions guilt and shame.

Let's recall that deep inside
We're meant to live and not to die,
Immortal by the grand design
And clothed in heaven's perfect weave,
Untouched by knowing grief
Neither doubt nor disbelief.

Let's understand that when we chose
To disobey that we might know
As much as God of evil's woe
We never can forget -
And only, mercifully, death
Restores us to God's holy best.

WITHOUT US

2011-03-10T21:07:00.000-05:00

The sea rolls on without us,
Supports its life beneath us,
As the wind blows on without us,
Carrying seeds that grow to feed us,
In sunlight that shines without us
And rain that falls from skies above us,
Cleansing the earth without us.

Time marches on without us,
Seasons change in rhythm known to us
While life multiplies without us,
Stars in space exist to tease us
For even they don’t need us to be,
As the moon orbits round without us,
The universe expanding before us…

We guess all is lost without us,
And surely the earth revolves around us -
Things are better than were they without us
For we can control anything that affects us
And progress is measured by and about us
Missing the irony daily confronting us -
What we do pales next to what is within us.

GAME

2011-01-06T20:18:00.002-05:00

I placed the ball in your court
But you didn’t pick it up,
After all the matches played,
After all the goals that stayed
In between us one on one -
You didn’t care to finish,
Didn’t care to follow through
To verify that we were done.

There never was enough of
What it takes to drive the game
As if just the finish line,
Or the setting of a time
Constituted expert play -
You didn’t care to step it up,
Didn’t care to go for gold
Or make the outcome go my way.

Look back on all the practice,
Think about the end result,
Was it worth what we invested?
Was there a winner, uncontested?
I’ll remember you, for good sport -
Didn’t care for strategy,
Didn’t care for too much training
Didn’t care much about me.

SLAVE

2010-11-08T09:25:00.001-05:00

Lord, break me of self-realization

‘Til I know of naught but you

And in that hour of crucifixion

Help me all else to forget

For I am worn from holding onto

Hows and whys and wanting yets.

I can’t support this heavy knowledge,

Care no more to figure out

The nuance of the fraud I saw as

Independence safe and proud,

For all I’ve ever been in charge of

Left me losing solid ground.

All the things that passed before now

Add up to the empty sum

Of what it took for me to give up

Willfulness to be my own

And I’m ashamed at how I fought

For years to hold the rights you won.

So go ahead and take away

My claim to who I am,

And I will be your grateful slave,

Submitting to your hand,

Owned and set free at your word,

Nevermore to take my stand.

The only thing I must remember

For all of eternity

Is this day when I surrendered

To the right authority

Ever living or to come,

For all of lost humanity.

HABITATION

2010-09-28T13:52:00.001-04:00

If His life inhabits mine,
Then does He not sustain me?
If I claim His Spirit to reside,
On what more can I rely?
What else do I think to need
Than God Himself?
Preposterous, this supposition
That takes for granted
The very nature of the reborn
Soul, having at its disposal
All-surpassing resource!
Power, love, and mercy complete
Abiding within this vessel!
A constant companion,
He conquers all loneliness,
Providing cover beneath His wings
And ever-present help,
Setting me free from despair!
Why do I yet forget it,
The explosive and vast potential
Within the very heart of me?
Is this not a gift to treasure,
Worth giving up every scrap of myself?
How can any earthly pleasure compare?
Momentary, fleeting, and minor
Are the joys of this world
Compared with the very essence,
The just and creative force
Of the God of the universe
Bound to us, its tiny seed!

TO LOVE ME SO

2010-09-15T11:49:00.000-04:00

You speak to me
In truths profound
And make my ears to hear,
As other senses
Fade beyond attention…
And your voice,
Now paramount,
Plants your Words
Inside a mind paused
In broken thought,
Whispered terms
That occupy
Consciousness’ space
For brief revelation,
Unbearably true!
Then disappear,
Regardless of efforts
To hold them fast -
Yet they linger
In realization deep,
Serving purpose
With miraculous impact,
This divine transaction,
Spirit’s contact,
Solely for reaching
Into a life’s timeline,
Purely because…
It pleases you
To love me so.

2010-09-14T14:12:00.003-04:00

I do not know what's best for me
But that's not what I think,
As thoughts betray
My wicked heart
That lusts for my own way
Through the muddied water
Of recurring illusion
I stray once more,
Unconvinced of my own folly
Except in Spirit mild,
Its power contained in Words
I must seek for correction,
Repenting again and again
Of this consuming idolatry.

PERCEPTION

2010-08-25T10:18:00.000-04:00

Excruciating,
The penetrating gaze
Under which I falter,
Dropping clutched hope
From guilty hands
While straining to see
The mark that I miss
And constantly the light,
Mocking my efforts
To perceive clearly,
Shines down its holy white
Intimidation
To expose my failing features.

Unexpected,
The sudden tenderness
Under which I fall,
Receiving love’s warmth
In empty hands
Extended for redemption,
And constantly the light,
Focusing, holding
My attention fast,
Streams down its pure
Compassion
To enlighten me of His
Wholly benign nature.

WHAT COMES NATURAL

2010-07-02T14:54:00.002-04:00

That which comes
Naturally to me
Is the very thing
I should avoid,
Masquerading as God-given
It grabs me wholly,
Insisting on its validity,
Persuading me rationally,
Invading my thoughts
With seeming synchronicity.

That which comes
Naturally to me
Is the very thing
I learned to do
While coping with life,
Learning as a child does
To take control, avoid pain,
Escape disappointment,
Take care of myself,
Disregard the loneliness.

That which comes
Naturally to me
Is a resulting thing
And not at heart,
For underneath its fierce emotion
Lies divine intention
Waiting to be discovered,
Patiently knocking
On the door of my conscience,
Ready to unveil the unreal me.

That which comes
Naturally to me
Commands the flesh
To WAR against
The Spirit of the living Christ
And His quiet truth
I am called to walk in
And draw from, yielding to
The absence of demanding rationale…
In hopes of attaining the prefix super-.

GHOST

2010-06-30T19:29:00.002-04:00

I'm chasing a ghost
That I can not take hold of
And often can not even see
Elusive, intangible,
Slips through my hands
Like the notion that
She's the real me.

She flickers and motions,
Still now inconsistent
And made up of vapors and wisps,
This creature I long to
Become and embody
Does not utter words
From her lips.

I know her by instinct
And never by logic,
She haunts to the
Core of my soul,
Believing and calling,
Always with Spirit,
But she would not seek to control.

It's fear that reminds me
Why I won't become her,
Still trapped in the
Shell of this skin,
And strangely enough
It's surrender I run from
While holding the best of me in.

In Christ Alone

2010-06-15T15:08:00.000-04:00

I have no defense
But Christ alone,
The reason for all that I do,
Who raises me up
To more than I am
And sees that my heart remains true.

I have no footing
But Christ alone,
The rock upon which I must stand,
Who carries the weight
Of my burdens with ease
And holds me within His right hand.

I have no intention
But Christ’s alone,
His Kingdom is all that I see,
‘Til bringing Him glory
Becomes my obsession,
My trust in His goodness complete.

6/10

BETRAYAL

2010-06-12T12:08:00.000-04:00

This I do not understand,
How good intention, reaching out,
Is stricken down by accusation,
That which seeks but to uphold
Is torn apart in daft delusion,
That professed as friendship
Now mistaken for derision –
And it feels like broken promise
As betrayal cold and dark
Comes to do its bitter calling,
Sure to miss the trusted mark.

Something Like This...

2010-05-20T15:39:00.000-04:00

This Emotion is a Demon
Struggling to be set free
From the prison I have formed
By trapping it inside of me
For fear its power, ever loosed,
Might take control unstoppably
And turn the thinking I depend on
Into liability
In effort to fulfill the flesh
That cries out of its awful need
For give and take between another
Bonding us entirely
‘Til I no more exist as one
Alone with this insanity.

KDC 5/2010

I AM NOT

2010-05-05T12:39:00.001-04:00

I am not to be God
But to show Him,
I am just to speak
The truth in love,
I am not to force you
To believe me
But to point you to
The One to trust.
I am not to save you
From your folly
But to pick you up
When you might fall,
I am not to change you,
Though I want to!
I am needful of
A change of mind,
For I am not to think
But let go of me,
When falling for lies
Of such vanity -
And I am not too proud
To need you to show,
But not to force,
Speaking in love
Thus to point me
Into submitting unto
The One we trust.

PRESENCE

2010-04-23T10:00:00.001-04:00

When your presence
Finds existence
I am swallowed,
Taken up
In overwhelming
Understanding
Of the smallness
Of my love
Compared with
You who speak
Creation
And surround
All that we see
With power endless
In compassion
Never ceasing
But to BE.

IT

2010-04-15T13:06:00.000-04:00

I looked for it,
But found it gone -
Funny how it took so long
To faith avow
And make response
Without anticipation.

I felt it there
In younger times,
Adopted it as ever mine
Until without
Was awkward more
Than being in its presence.

I miss it some,
For hinged on such
Was in myself a measured trust
But nonetheless
The safety there
Was never to fulfill.

I do not know
Quite how to feel
Without the constant need to heal
The sordid wounds
That taught me fear
I think I’ll live without.

KDC 4/2010

The Wisdom of Oswald

2010-04-15T12:55:00.002-04:00

"You cannot have a moral vacation and remain moral, nor can you have a spiritual holiday and remain spiritual."

Allowance

2010-03-24T13:58:00.000-04:00

The good Lord, He gives
And allows to be taken
The things we believe to have earned –
For nothing in this life
Can wake up and shake us
More than a tide that has turned
To reveal that the gift
Became more than the giver
When viewed within light of our need,
Presuming that we know
What He could do better
To quench our inherited greed.

LINES

2010-03-02T12:47:00.002-05:00

THE LINES ARE BLURRED
AND IN BETWEEN
THE SMEARED REMAINS
OF WHAT HAS BEEN
AS TIME ALLOWS TO HEAL
OPEN WOUNDS,
THAT WE MIGHT FEEL.

THE LINES WERE DRAWN
SO LONG AGO
BEFORE WE WERE
SUPPOSED TO KNOW
THAT HURT IS NOT THE END
WHEN WE'RE
WRAPPED INSIDE DEFENSE.

THE LINES OF FACES
DEEPER GROW
AS WE TAKE HOLD
OF LETTING GO
TO FIND THE LIGHT OF HOPE
SHOWING HOW
TO LIVE BEYOND TO COPE.

MORE, AGAIN

2010-02-19T14:07:00.000-05:00

More, again,
Persistent mess,
Human walls
Put up against…
My way, yours,
In between -
Resolution’s
Rarely clean.

More, again,
Left behind,
Dirty remnants
Over time…
My scars, yours,
Unforgotten –
Conflict all
Along begotten.

More, again,
Much undesired,
Peace remains
Though uninspired…
My soul, yours,
The one escape -
A world away
For which we wait.

MATTERS

2010-02-12T13:48:00.000-05:00

It no longer matters,
The how or the why,
The fault of whom,
The wasted time,
Nor does it seem
To matter now
The sum of damage
Too profound…
The only thing
That I can see
That makes a difference
Is that we
Don’t allow it to matter,
The how or the why,
The fault of whom,
The wasted time,
The fear we hide.

ILLUSION

2010-02-05T21:34:00.005-05:00

ALL CONTROL IS ILLUSION

YOU HAVE NO CONTROL

THERE IS NO CONTROLLING THE OUTCOMES

CONTROL IS LOGICALLY IMPOSSIBLE

YOU ONLY THINK YOU CONTROL

BUT YOU DON'T, IT IS A LIE

YOU HAVE BELIEVED A LIE

IF YOU THINK YOU ARE IN CONTROL

OF
A N Y T H I N G
A T
A L L

Half-Hearted

2010-02-05T20:43:00.002-05:00

Here's the thing that keeps striking me solidly,
Over and over again as I grow and observe,
Striving to be the spiritual me,
The one that knows and honors truth,
And not the her that constantly lusts
For things to feed her self,
Just to feed her desires,
To fill the gaping hole that He left
On purpose so that He and only He
Could come and fill it with His Spirit.

Here's the thing I mention because of its nature,
Subtle and insidious, begging common practice
While posing as benign status quo,
Affecting our every decision and motive,
Governing our conscientious lifestyle,
And that is the amount of our heart
That is invested in God's will for us,
And the resulting amount of LIFE that we
Devote to His calling and give to Him
Sacrificially with no expectation save His pleasure.

Are you whole-heartedly His, with every fiber
Of your being guided by His hand and
Seeking His truth for us who He created
With purpose, not to please our selfs
But to please Him and thus each other,
Bathed in truth and light and love to
Shine on the world altruistic intent,
Seeking better for us all with no regard
For satisfying lusts that leave hungry the
Gaping soul that can only be filled as
We learn not to be HALF-HEARTED.

FORSAKEN IDENTITY

2010-01-18T13:39:00.000-05:00

In the case of forsaken identity,
We are not who we once believed,
Nor do we have the right to know
The future of outcomes once controlled;
Instead, there lies a troubling void
In place of refuge mind-employed
To cope with what we might incur
As in the past when being hurt
And finding no room left to run,
Looked for reason where there’s none,
Concluding that we couldn’t trust
A soul to love forever, thus
We learned to keep another plan
In store in case we had the chance
To try and find solution to
The loneliness we always knew
While in the form of self assumed.

Inside Out

2010-01-04T22:59:00.001-05:00

So much damage from life before,
Leaves me searching for ever more,
Creating patterns of response,
That leave me in a pool of want,
Until I find the source of life
And all that ever there is,
To dwell on what He means to us
And what He suffered to give,
‘Til when I come beside His power
I know there is no doubt
That He is all I need to see
The rest is INSIDE OUT.

KDC 1/10

Puppet

2009-12-21T09:06:00.002-05:00

I'll volunteer to be your puppet
If you'll always pull my strings
In such a way that I no longer
Have a chance to mess up things.

I'd rather be in your control
And guided heavy-handed
Than left to slow and steady ruin
From the broken way I planned it.

He Spoke

2009-12-05T10:16:00.005-05:00

You'll have to feel your way through

The fear to freedom's side,

Allowing that I love you

On levels beyond high,

And standing on this solid ground

You'll know to take the leap

When I have spoken softer words

For you in mind to keep.

You'll have to risk surrendering

And trust me to protect

The part of you I made to be

Responsive to neglect -

Your innocence was taken

By the force of others' will,

But I am God of what should be

And I'll restore you still.

Job Was A Lucky Man

2009-11-19T10:01:00.002-05:00

How many times have you ever thought about Job, the Biblical character known for the severity of the testing he went through in life, and thought to yourself what a very fortunate man he was? Probably none, right? We tend to think of Job and instantly begin feeling sorry for him - after all, he lost his children, his wife, his possessions, his job, and finally his health. By the time the devil was done with him, he literally had nothing left at all besides his faith in God.

There is another way to look at this story, from the perspective of God perhaps, and another way to think about this character Job. Prior to his testing, God proclaimed proudly to his arch-enemy, "Have you considered my servant Job? In all the earth there is no man as righteous as he". Which of us would not want God to speak about us this way? In all of the Old Testament, God only named three men to be righteous in his sight - Noah, Daniel, and Job.

The truth is that God loved Job very much, and believed in him. God allowed Job's testing in the full confidence that Job would lose everything without losing his faith. God had faith in Job. Satan, on the other hand, was confident that Job would only remain faithful if his circumstance was comfortable and blessed. God proved him wrong, and it was through Job's steadfast submission to the will of the Almighty that He did so.

Yes, Job felt sorry for himself. Yes, he said some foolish things about his trials and their meaning. Job did not understand it all, nor did he manage to make sense of it. He did not have the holy scriptures to which he could refer - he lived even before the time of Moses. However, in all of his lamenting he continued to cry out to God, knowing that God was the one and only hope for his restoration and recovery. He never turned away from God and attempted to take things into his own hands. His faith was unshaken. Job was wise, and he was a good man, and yes - he was very lucky. Oh, that the rest of us could know that God compliments us so! The next time you go through a trial, remember that God is counting on you, He believes in you, he considers you "one of the faithful."

Impact

2009-11-11T23:24:00.003-05:00

Strange how the sea remains,
Between us yet connecting,
The reaches of its power
Lost to most of all
In secret words of language
Deep and quiet.

Solid it stands, forgotten,
Unaware of careless neglect,
Appreciated too rarely
In terms of impact
It rages on to the shore,
Dying to be heard.

A Fitting Poem

2009-11-05T22:52:00.002-05:00

Puzzled words,
They fit together,
Creating a picture
Of what's on the mind -
Colored with hues
From the sea of emotion
In recognized shapes
That are hard to define.

Puzzled words
Don't fit together
To make a clear picture
Of how to escape
Darkened tones
From the sea of emotion
Threatening seams
Where the pieces relate.

Puzzled words
Reach out to the reader
To impart some form
In attempt to create
By putting together
These thoughts and emotions
A black and white effort
To communicate.

STUCK

2009-10-31T06:54:00.003-04:00

Are we stuck in patterns round,
Seeking that which can't be found,
Trying on the truth for size,
While living in the world's disguise?

Are we searching with eyes closed,
Wandering further in repose,
Looking back to forge ahead
Into a wall of past regret?

Are we going nowhere fast,
While temporary vision lasts,
Pulling from the push and shove
An explanation not of love?

Are we doing any good
Deducing what's misunderstood,
Making progress towards no end
To straighten wills remaining bent?

External

2009-10-16T21:44:00.001-04:00

Otherwise, it's changing clothes,
Bandaging a wound that grows,
Applying knowledge that is flawed,
Amending contracts with a clause,
Guessing endings from the start,
Patching what's been torn apart,
Viewing surface seeking depth,
Regretting what's not happened yet.

Blooming

2009-10-02T20:46:00.002-04:00

One of my orchids bloomed. It wasn't the same as when we purchase an orchid in bloom. This orchid has been in my care for a long time, hanging in a tree, and hasn't bloomed. None of them have, as a matter of fact - because I am learning how to bloom, too. Part of my own blooming involves learning how to care for things, for people, for animals, for the Earth, for the work of my hands.

When I noticed the bloom, my heart jumped! There they were, two perfect flowers so pale pink and white, so fragile, so beautiful. I was stunned. I was flattered. I was elated. I took the pot into my hands and carefully brought the plant closer to me for a good look. I sat in a chair under the tree, holding it in my lap and drinking in the wonder of this incredible gift. It was like God looked down upon me and smiled, knew that I needed something special and wonderful at just the right time, and thought these blooms into existence.

As I held this beautiful, magical creation in my lap and studied it in awe, I realized that I often forget to bloom. I am alive, and my roots are deep. I have the nutrients I need for life. Each day I accomplish that which I need to and move on to the next. But somewhere in there I forget to stop and bloom - to do something outstanding and creative and different from the routine. I forget to do more than just live - but instead to send a message to the world that I am cared for, loved, nurtured, and happy. That's what the bloom said to me, and it made my day.

From INSTINCT

2009-09-04T22:21:00.001-04:00

CONTROL IS AN ILLUSION

Where's Your Center?

2009-08-18T22:54:00.002-04:00

Each of us needs a CENTER, a home for the heart, a virtual place where we can go to regroup. I find that I need my place of peace most often when I've been exposed to the pain of this life, whether my own or someone else's - someone that I care about. There is so much imperfection, so much undesirable and distasteful about this world and this life. Most people seem numb to it - I am not. I refuse to allow the numbness to settle in for fear I might get comfortable with it. Been there, done that -but it's no way to live. We take on some of the suffering of others, share in their misery for the sake of empathy and love, and then return to our center. Where is yours?

Our Lord made it clear that there are only two directives for living a Godly life - Love God and Love People. We are to devote the majority of our time and energy to building and maintaining a relationship with the Almighty - learning, praying, meditating, knowing, submitting, surrendering. From that perspective and place of grace, we are moved to love those around us - those that God has brought into our lives and given us to love. This, of course, starts with our immediate family. We then reach out to love our extended families. Following that, our friends and spiritual comrades, coworkers and associates. After that, everyone else. There is no stopping the love of God that flows through us when we are in communion with Him.

This, then is the CENTER of all being - LOVE. The love that is found in an intimate relationship with an unlimited God who limits Himself to know me drives and motivates and pushes me to let Him love others through my interactions with them. It's not about me, it's about HIM and HIS love. It's not about what I GET out of these relationships but what I GIVE to them.

Once I was in the midst of a counseling session when the counselor said to me, "You know, it's all about relationships. All of life is about our relationships and they are all that matters." At the time I recall thinking, "OH, NO - Don't tell me that - I am no good at relationships!" Well, it seems that I've grown a bit since then, because when I'm thrown off of my game by pain and suffering, hurting for those that I love dearly and wishing I could somehow make it better, I return to my center and realize that it is the very heart of relating that I find there. The love that soothes, heals, understands, energizes, motivates, and overflows IS that which brings me peace.

I pray that you have this same center, and that we meet there more often than not.

Over Water

2009-08-11T21:59:00.002-04:00

We skim the southern waters,
Green as polished opal
In sunlight brazen,
Wanting not for speed,
Air buffeting tinted skin,
Like flying without ascent,
Sailing without mast or canvas,
Following in the wake
Of many vessels past,
In pursuit of traversing
The world below.

ATTEMPT

2009-07-21T18:01:00.001-04:00

Love can not be defined
Nor limited
Any more than God can,
For it is not a quantity
Nor an emotion
But a set of actions
Resulting in positive balance.

Love can not be described
Nor explained
Any more than God can
For it is not the same
Nor of logic
But in every situation
Expressed uniquely.

Love is not a lot of things,
Nor is it simply
Avoiding all conflict
For the sake of giving in,
Nor allowing abuse,
But keeping peace
By speaking truth in grace.

Love is not a feeling
Nor a term endeared
Any more than God is
Just a name,
Nor is it confined
To the natural
But supersedes the senses.

Love is not instant
Nor fleeting
Any more than God is
For the generations
Who misunderstand Him,
But is the product
Of time and effort empowered.

Better

2009-07-21T00:12:00.004-04:00

I have this child,
She is me but different;
Confident, strong,
Full of laughter and life,
She is better and I am glad.

I have this child,
She is me but different;
Physical, forthcoming,
Speaks what she feels,
She is better and I am glad.

I have this child,
She is me but different;
Feminine, fancy,
Determined and beautiful,
She is better and I am glad.

I have been bettered
But I should be;
They are the future,
In His image they grow
Into all I imagine and more.

CUKES

2009-07-20T23:40:00.002-04:00

Ever noticed how God tends to bless you abundantly with one particular thing in a given season of your life? It's like there are themes to life, and they last a while - until you've learned what you are supposed to learn from them; or perhaps you've enjoyed them long enough; or perhaps until you've overcome them.

My theme this summer is cucumbers. The garden is brimming with them, and at least twice each week I install another "fence" of sorts - something for them to climb on besides my peppers and tomatoes. The bright yellow flowers are sublime. They are so happy, so abundant, so prophetic, so prolific. I think to myself, "what am I going to do with all the coming cucumbers"? Make pickles, that's what. Lots of pickles.

Pickling is a lost art. It is something my great-grandmother did, and my grandmother did, and my mom learned, and now I carry on doing. It connects one with the most basic elements of life - food, preservative, and cleanliness. "To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven". I will always remember summer as a time for pickling. We are putting away food for winter, for long storage, for the future, for sharing. Pickling is a way of reaping the harvest and saving it, sharing it, storing it, and experiencing it anew much later in time.

Did I mention that the pickles taste divine? They are NOTHING like the dyed-yellow, chloride-infested noodley things on the grocery store shelf. They are crisp, and crunchy, and tast of fresh dill and garlic and GARDEN. They are a reminder of days past, and days present, and days future. "To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven."

When I was a girl, we used to visit these friends of my parents. It was the kind of relationship in which I called my mother's friend my Aunt. Well, my Aunt Mae made the best dill pickles I had ever tasted. When we went over to her house, I would secretly hope and pray that she'd pull out one of those precious jars and open it, offering her homemade pickles for us to enjoy. The jar was soon empty, and a smile grew in my heart. I needed nothing more than those pickles to have a simply wonderful time at Aunt Mae's house. They were tasty, and crunchy, and reminiscent, and timeless, and special. Now I am making them, and watching my kids' faces as they bite into the real deal. It's a generational thing. "To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven." Thank you, God, for the cucumbers. I'll do my best to share and preserve them wisely. They are special, and wondrous, and delicious, and abundant - just like the rest of your blessings.

The Lie of Reward

2009-07-05T23:03:00.002-04:00

I have recently witnessed a common attitude in two families close to me; and one that disturbs my heart. This misguided form of spiritual pride occurs when people are materially blessed - AND then assume that the blessing is a reward for their behavior. I believe this is closely related to the "prosperity teaching" in some churches. The assumption is that if I'm living in a Godly manner, doing everything right, and therefore deserve it, then God will bless me abundantly. Logically, if I have already been blessed abundantly (in a material sense) then I must be doing everything right!

Which of the lies buried within the previous statements should we debunk first? I hardly know where to begin... but here's an attempt.

(1) God does not operate under a system of rewards - He gave us the greatest reward there has ever been, i.e. His very self, while we were still sinners. He did not wait until we were "perfect" in order to reward us with salvation. We never could have earned it, nor can we now. There never will be another reward from God, because none is necessary.

(2) If God gave us what we deserved, we'd all be condemned to hell forever.

(3) If number (2) made you think, "Not me", then you are more deceived than the rest of us.

(4) God sees us all, every single person, exaclty the same. Consider your own children, and attempt to answer the question, "which one do I love most?" He is not able to favor one over another, but loves each of us the same. There is no way to "earn" greater love or blessing from God than He already has for you. However, you can learn to receive it better, in truth.

(5) You will never be doing everything right. Forget that line of reasoning, it's a lie.

(6) When you experience a crisis in the midst of your prosperity (not if, but when) - then what will you say about God? The converse of the above logical statement is that God is punishing you. What if you've done nothing to be punished for? What then? God just stopped loving you? He ran out of rewards? Job was, in the words of God himself, a righteous man - and very wealthy. He lost everything.

(7) God's definition of "blessing" is very different from ours - and likely has nothing to do with material possessions or comforts. Does God want you to be happy? Sure He does! Is he going to give you a lot of stuff to accomplish that wish? Probably not. To Him, blessing you means putting people in your life who love you for who you are, giving you ample opportunities to bless others, healing your relationships with friends and family, and giving you internal peace and contentment. The size of your house, the amount in your bank account, or the model of your car is not nearly as important to him as the state of your heart.

These are some difficult truths. In our human-ness, we want to believe that we can earn good things with good works. That is just how we are - but that is the human system, not the God-system. He is all about grace, compassion, love, mercy, and peace. The immaterial is His substance, and it is with these qualtities that He reaches into our lives and blesses us beyond measure.

PROGRESS

2009-06-30T08:51:00.001-04:00

Time progresses forward,
Leaving the past behind as it was,
Fading into wisdom,
The clarity of the present
Prevailing over memory’s loss.

Invention pushes forward,
Building on the past in vain hope,
Faster, stronger, smarter -
Perceiving not the limit
Of the mind’s potential.

God invents the time,
Embodies the source of life itself,
Reaching, extending, moving -
An ever-breathing vine carrying us,
The growing dependent.

The future waits mysterious,
Not meant to be foreseen
But discovered, experienced
As the perpetual crawl of being
Continues its inspired journey.

HERE YOU GO

2009-06-19T12:40:00.000-04:00

Here’s what we will do for you,
Nothing that you want us to
‘Cause all your lies were never true
And we have been created new.

Here’s what we would care to hear,
The words of love and not of fear
That proceed from the caring tongue
Of spirits made to live as one.

Here’s what we choose to believe,
The truth of words that God has breathed,
And not your whispers of the dark,
Casting doubt in trusting hearts.

Here’s the way that we will fight,
Always, ever for what’s right
In constant opposition to
The likes of evil, hateful you.

THE IMPORTANCE OF WORDS

2009-06-10T23:39:00.001-04:00

They all say their lines in perfect style,
Delivering words like fountain pennies,
Heaping their cheapened utterance on tired ears
That beg for valuable silence.

No one takes them seriously anymore,
These thespians of the modern age
Who speak for the sake of filling time
With sound lest they’re forced to think.

We’re buried in a lack of meaning,
Saddened that gone is the day when art
Was all about communication,
Well-crafted and designed to impact.

If I wax poetic it is only because
I love the careful combination
Of symbols we call language,
This powerful tool for sharing ourselves.

The words existed before mankind,
Forming in the vortex of space and time
Until they could not help but create,
For words become what they define.

LOST TO FOUND

2009-06-10T23:17:00.001-04:00

I don’t know why you love me,
I don’t know how you could,
Except that God above me
Made you so you would
Shelter and protect me
From the evil world around
With the strength to let me
Make the leap from lost to found.

I can’t begin to tell you
For I can’t pretend to know
The reasons why He thought you
Could depend on me to go
All the way to heaven with you
Through the valleys and the tears,
But I thank my God He picked you
And has kept us through the years.

I haven’t been the best one
In the ways I haven’t shown
And I wish I wasn’t just one
So you’d never be alone,
Though apart we’re still together
I can’t stand to feel your heart
In the pain of what I never
Should’ve caused you from the start.

I still believe in both of us
And what the future holds,
The past is but a ghost to us
Whose haunting’s dead and cold
And now that we have cast away
Unto a better shore,
I pray our love will find a way
To dream like once before.

The Innocents

2009-06-10T23:14:00.002-04:00

These are the kids
We had together
In earlier times
When we got along better

These are the ones
Who suffer most
From all the failures
Parents boast

These are the purest
Hearts of all
Corrupted by
Our selfish fall

These little minds
Can’t understand
Why love can’t always
Last as planned

These precious souls
Were meant to be
Both innocent
And trouble free…

BURIED

2009-05-24T09:24:00.001-04:00

My mind can’t seem to wrap around
The truths now buried deeper down
Below the ranting of the mind
Distracting me from trying to find
The peace I know that should be there
Along with spirit’s kinder fare
Compared with this thing ominous
That tries to pull away from love
Its rightful blessing only for
A chance to try and wound some more.

Needs

2009-05-21T23:35:00.002-04:00

Lately, I've been thinking about needs. I find it interesting that when our needs are being met, we don't think about what they are. When they are not being met, we still don't think about what they are - we just lament this or that which is missing in our lives. It is probably not good for us to focus on what our needs really are - we are supposed to let God take care of that [Phil 4:19 My God will supply all of your needs, according to His riches and glory in Christ Jesus]. He made us, for Pete's sake! He understands us best, loves us best, cares for us best, feeds us best, cries with us best, and supplies us best.

I don't really think I can put into words what my needs are, especially the emotional ones. I just know that when they are met I feel important, understood, worthwhile, needed, successful, and intriguing. When they are not met I feel insignificant, clumsy, unsuccessful, unfulfilled, misunderstood, and isolated. Isn't it amazing that one person can experience these 2 extremes in the same lifetime? It is all related to connectedness, and fellowship with others who share our passion and perspective on life. Without others to love on us, we are unmotivated to do our best.

I am not sure what the point of this post is, except that we should take the time to connect with others every single day - and tell them how great they are, how much we love and admire them, and how much we need them, too. Everyone likes to feel needed, even God - who already knows that He is. I am grateful for those He sends to meet my needs, even when I'm not sure what they are...

Old Growth

2009-03-30T21:55:00.002-04:00

The past falls away
Like stricken branches
Of mighty, ancient trees;
Slowly dying over time
Until no growth remains.

Even still it stays in place,
The fruitless arm
Too frequently used
By convenient visitors
Hiding from runaway storms.

Only when death is complete,
Nothing living holding on,
Does the stubborn, hardened
Proof of past existence
Succumb to anonimity and fall away.

Puzzled?

2009-03-17T12:49:00.000-04:00

Try to imagine a puzzle made up of a million pieces. If you’ve ever put together a 1000-piece puzzle, this would be 1000 times that size and number of pieces! Where would a puzzle this size be assembled? Could it ever be completed without losing a piece or two? How many people would it take to put it together, and how long would it take them? When finished, the puzzle would certainly be too large for any one person to handle, whether lifting, turning, or moving it. How would a puzzle like this even be manufactured in the first place? There would be no machinery capable of stamping out such a huge pattern.

Suppose that you were looking at the giant puzzle completed. Would you be able to pick out one individual piece? Suppose that one single piece was missing… then would you be able to clearly see it, apart from the others? Suppose that two, five, ten, or 100 pieces were missing – how much more would that become obvious with the picture now incomplete?

What do you envision as the subject matter for this great puzzle? What does the picture look like? Are the pieces large or small, and with what kind of contours? Are there many colors, or a single color with slight variations? What is the theme?

What if, after such a great feat as assembling this 1-million-piece puzzle, you wanted to preserve it? How would you go about turning it over and gluing the pieces together? What kind of planning, specialized tools, crews of people, and careful execution would be involved?

It is daunting for us to think on such a grand scale. We can hardly wrap our minds around a puzzle of such great size and number of pieces. It seems impossible to us that it could actually be assembled or manipulated without some major challenges and likely catastrophes. To our perception, it would seem to be unrealistic, unfathomable, impossible.

God made a puzzle of even larger scale than the one mentioned above - He made the universe. He conceived of the picture, decided on each detail of its appearance, created each individual piece, shapes each piece to fit exactly into His vision, put the whole thing together in reality, and is constantly searching for the pieces that are missing. His puzzle is called The Kingdom of God. It is too big for us to ever understand, too lofty for us to attain. The picture is more detailed and creative than any work of art ever made with human hands. The pieces are each totally unique, fitting perfectly into their special place in the puzzle. But what is even more amazing about God’s Kingdom is that it is dynamic. The puzzle which God created for us to be a part of and for Him to manage is constantly changing. It would be like working on a puzzle and then realizing that some of the pieces you had already placed were now a different size and shape – the other pieces around them also having to change to fit correctly, and a total reworking from that focal point would be necessary. Once again, an unfathomable feat for us.

This is what God does every second of every day – he maintains the greatest puzzle on earth as it dynamically changes. He seeks for the lost pieces, he glues all of the pieces together with His Holy Spirit, and ultimately it forms a picture of Jesus. Jesus us the subject matter – for all things were created through Him and by Him and for Him. I don’t know about you, but I am honored to be a part of the puzzle, and very thankful that I’m not a lost piece.

In Reality...

2009-02-01T22:49:00.004-05:00

I have not written anything here in a while. I've been working on a Bible study and it is absorbing and humbling and directional. It takes my thoughts to the larger reality that we live within. It forces me to see beyond the mundane, beyond the curtain of this stage we call life. This is not reality, this is the realm of perception. In school we are taught that reality is what we can reach with our 5 senses - what we can touch, smell, taste, hear, and see. Science tends to support this tactile, experimental, tangible definition of reality. Although I am a scientist, I do not.

Like every other major discovery when revealed, an unmasking or unveiling has taken place. I have come to recognize that this world is but a counterfeit for the real life, that is life in the spirit. As C.S. Lewis states, "You don't have a spirit, you have a body - you are a spirit." Amen to that. I am a spirit negotiating this rather clumsy physical world. This is reality - that I am an alien, a foreigner here who seeks to return home to the place where other spirits reside.

Yeah, this all sounds really supernatural and you might ask, how do I know these things? What proof do I have? Why would I postulate so ridiculously? In answer, I would say that I have indeed sensed it - not with any of the 5 senses given above, but with the sense of my being. The part of me that is, that has life and seeks to define it, that feels uncomfortable with much of the world in which I am trapped - that is the real me. When that part of me, my spirit and heart and being, comes into contact with God, I am experiencing reality. It is then that I understand, fit in, relax, feel, love, stand amazed, swell with energy, want to cry and scream out, never want to part from He who makes me whole. Praise God, I feel like a single puzzle piece that has been placed, feeling the contact with all of my straight and curved edges alike, resting secure in the greater picture of which I am a part. Without me, the picture would not be complete - and without the picture, I would not be necessary. My worth and identity are defined in God's ultimate design.

HOME

2008-12-12T13:57:00.001-05:00

I’ll choose to take my mind back home
To this enlightened place
Where God resides and I am called
To rest within His grace,
Where lack of obligation
Brings me peace as I unwind
In the wonder of His presence
For the brain yet undefined.

The longing’s overwhelming
To return from whence I come,
At spirit’s deepest level
To unite with truth and love
Until I’m filled with ecstasy
And fear I might explode
With all that’s good and every right
Here found in God alone.

I’d wish to dwell forever here
If only it could be,
For when surrendered in this form
The mind begins to see
That God is all there is
And all that we could ever need
When faced with evil in this life
The mind can not believe.

KDC 12/08

Piggy Bank

2008-11-24T11:29:00.002-05:00

A wise man once said... that trust is like a Piggy Bank. When a relationship begins, we are eager to fill up the bank and do things for one another that engender trust. Each time we come closer to completely trusting one another, we deposit another coin. Throughout the relationship, as it grows and ages, coins are deposited and are also removed. The initial positive balance coming from the eager first stages of the relationship should be plenty to cover any removals.

However, sometimes a betrayal is so great that the piggy bank is broken and all coins are lost. The 2 parties in the relationship must then decide whether to glue the piggy bank back together and begin again depositing coins, or to go their separate ways. The balance, though, it at zero after a major betrayal. This makes it more difficult then with a fresh relationship because it is easier to go into a deficit or negative balance of coins. It is a great committment, a difficult thing, and requires patience and endurance - but it is not impossible. After all, we know that nothing is impossible with the help of God.

ESCORT

2008-11-17T13:57:00.001-05:00

In the windswept morning
A single duck crosses ripples
On glassy pond’s surface,
Water reflecting sunlight
From farther away
Than we dare to imagine,
As far as I feel removed
At times like these.

He swims alone content,
Although lacking company,
Part of a picture
That will not last,
An image burnt into the mind of one,
The forms and colors giving rise
To moods and thoughts
For one moment’s import.

I watch and feel saddened
By his apparent missing partner,
Companion unfound
With whom to swim,
Then realize I too am alone
And haven’t regret,
For the day as my escort
Has reached me already.

The Learning Process Called Life

2008-11-16T22:18:00.003-05:00

I was thinking about why it is that I often find myself wishing to "just be left alone"...

And what do I really mean by that? Do I really want to be left, and to be alone? Well, no - not for an extended period of time - but maybe just for a while. And does it sound as harsh to others as it sounds to me when I hear myself say it? "Leave me alone!" or "I wish you would all just leave me alone!" doesn't do much in the tact department. I feel guilty for thinking it, to be honest. But honesty is what this blog's about, and in that interest I willingly admit that I do, in fact, often want to be left alone.

So I began to think about WHY I might want to be left alone, which predominately occurs shortly after someone has begun trying to tell me how to live my life. So when another person, well meaning as they may be, tries to make a decision for me or otherwise give me advice that I never asked for, to which I feel obliged to listen - I would rather just be left alone. Basically, that makes sense.

Then WHY does it frustrate me so much when others try to give me advice or tell me what I "should" do? It angers me because I am a careful decision-maker, and I take care to think everything through before coming to a conclusion. I am not impulsive about important decisions but rather I am analytical and I ALWAYS, I mean ALWAYS, have reasons for the choices I make. On top of that, I am prepared to accept the consequences for such. So in conclusion, I believe that unsought advice insults me, condescends to me, assumes that I make decisions without thinking them through, which couldn't be farther from the truth.

Based on the above argument, I'm saying that I am angered when someone assumes something untrue about me, or considers me to be less than an authority on my own decisions. I am frustrated when I am misunderstood, especially when I am understood to be less than what I am in actuality. Yes, that's definitely the ticket.

How did I become the owner of this button for others to push? What did I witness in my formative years that made me this way? I believe it has to do with walking in another person's shoes, and this is actually the subject matter of this post. Yeah, I'm just now getting to it - are you tired of reading? I pray you are not. This is important. It is important to me, anyway.

You see, I can't assume that my ideas are important to another person because maybe they're not. Depending on the shoes they are wearing, it may not matter at all. And how can I give another person advice if I do not know where their shoes have been? Perhaps I am explaining how they can remove bubble gum from their soles, not even knowing whether they've stepped in any. How would that help them? Suppose I am sharing about how I've been dealing with the small pebble stuck inside my sneaker for years now, when they pipe up to say that they've had several sandspurs in their socks for as long as they can remember? Do you see my point? I DON'T BLOODY KNOW WHAT ANOTHER PERSON HAS BEEN THROUGH, nor what they are currently GOING through, nor what SHAPED them, nor how they THINK because I AM NOT THEM. We are all unique, different, special, worthy of listening to. Ordering you to read this post, or telling you that it is in your best interest and therefore you should partake of it doesn't make it any more or less pertinent in your own life.

How does this relate to the way that humans learn? Is this information important to the title of this post, the "Learning Process Called Life"? Of course it is, and I will explain (of course). How does a human being learn? We learn by experience, by trying things, by the things that happen to us. As babies, we learn how to get food, how to get the attention of others, how to receive love. As we grow, we continue to learn what works and what doesn't. When we try things and have disastrous results, we don't try them again. With mediocre results, we might. With positive results, we will. That's how it works until maturity starts setting in and we realize that SOME people actually might be giving us information we can count on, so that we don't have to try everything ourselves. If we trust a given information source enough, we might take their word for something instead of having to test it out. Therefore, TRUST can help us to avoid the disastrous results mentioned above in favor of learning a different way. We are still learning by experience, but now we are learning by someone else's experience!

In the previous paragraph, I made a point that I would like to reiterate. TRUST in other people can help us to avoid the disastrous results of bad choices. I have already stated that I make my life decisions carefully. Therefore, what scenario would create an atmosphere for me in which I might make a bad choice? Temptation comes to mind - that's one atmosphere in which I have lost my head in the past. Fear comes to mind - another arena in which fearing the negative response of another person caused me to choose unwisely. Pride, or an attempt to prove something also must be mentioned in this context. Certainly bad decisions are made in the attempt to prove ourselves worthy of praise or accolade or admiration or some such.

In the above statement, and this is important :-) remember :-), giving in to Temptation represents a lack of trust in God, giving in to Fear represents a lack of trust in others, and Pride demonstrates a lack of trust in ourselves. Therefore, I have proven systematically that a lack of TRUST in God, others, and ourselves can lead to bad choices. Bad choices lead to consequences and the disastrous results which keep us from trying again, and keep us from trusting anyone the next time. A lack of trust in any caring, loving relationship (whether with God or others or ourself) results in a lack of desire for the assistance of others, including unsolicited advice. And unsolicited advice leads to the desire to be "left alone".

Backwards and forwards, there's no other way to say it - TRUST MATTERS. Once we have learned NOT to trust, unlearning the reasons why and beginning to trust again requires miraculous intervention.

Gender Analogy

2008-11-08T18:13:00.002-05:00

As women, we tie ourselves to the fates of these men who, driven by passions and lusts, seek to prove themselves at every turn. Just like a child strapped to the back of its mother as she gathers, we are needy and dependent, having little to offer our provider save comfort and love. We whisper in the ear of the one to whom we are yoked but he doesn't always hear over the din of his ambition. We cling, hanging on for life as his conquests rise before him. Time and again he stumbles, and we pick ourselves up first, helping him to stand before climbing back into the passenger seat. The events we witness along the way might jade us, changing the way we understand this leader creature. In the end we haven't a choice but to learn to steer gently, clutch without distracting or injuring, close our eyes when in danger of offense, and make the most of our role as assistant.

KDC 11/08

THE THREE 'C's

2008-10-28T10:57:00.003-04:00

A while back I heard a sermonette on the radio about the three 'C's. Like old bubble gum stuck under my desk, I kept finding this message to be waiting there when I least expected or when it was quiet enough that I reached for it. I think it has value, and I hope you'll appreciate it.

THE THREE 'C's are three words beginning with the letter 'C' that define behaviors we are to avoid... for our own good, of course.

COMPARE - Why do we insist on comparing ourselves with other people? We are each made unique, individual, special, important, and worthy of love. Nothing that we have done or could do can change these core truths. We needn't compare to others who appear more "successful" or more "wealthy" - true success and wealth are measured inside the heart.

When we compare ourselves to others, judgement always results. In the comparison of two similar entities, the goal is to label one good / one bad, one better / one lesser, one right / one wrong, one acceptable / one not so. Although our human nature leads us down the path of comparison, we must constantly resist the temptation to judge ourselves or others against any standard at all. LIVE AND LET LIVE.

COMPETE - Human nature also leads us into competition. We strive to win, to come out ahead, to prove ourselves better than others, to feel good about ourselves and our talents or skills. I submit that this is the ego talking, the part of us at the core that seeks approval and acceptance from our peers. Are we winners? Are we worthy of attention and accolade? Are we among the best? From childhood into adulthood we seek to prove our worth by elevating ourselves over others in various arenas of competition - athletics, arts, intelligence, labor, materialism. I submit that our worth lies simply in our creation, nothing more or less. God thought to make us, and thus we are worthwhile. We can rest in that truth, no competition needed. "The evil ego and the vice of pride... is there ever anything else that makes us take our different sides?"

COVET - When we want something that another person has for our own self-gratification, we are engaged in coveting. Coveting is not far from 'lusting after'. The definition of 'lust' is "wanting for one's self". I submit that anytime the word SELF is involved, we're on the wrong path. We are to constantly consider the needs of others before our own, and constantly seek to bless. It is in blessing others that we are blessed in return - not because we expected it or manipulated cirumstance to make it happen, just because it is the fruit of selflessness. Coveting someone else's possessions or blessings or talents implies that we feel we deserve what they have. We covet something simply because we want it and think we deserve to have it, in a selfish and jealous kind of way. In our materialistic, competitive (see above), selfish, corporate-based society and culture it is normal to behave this way. The world tells us to get what we can while we can, and hoard it before someone else steals it. We see evidence of covetous behavior in infidelity, theft, embezzlement, kidnapping, jealous anger, and copyright infringement. I want what is yours, and I am going to take it. I deserve it. I can't live without it. I will make it mine.

Ultimately, we are each responsible for ourselves and only ourselves. We can only affect and control our own behavior, not that of another. We are charged with striving on a daily basis to live out a life of love, considering God above all else and considering others before ourselves. The fact that this is contrary to human nature is not a surprise to God! We live in the midst of a great spiritual battle, and the enemy's goal is to keep us focused on ME.

REMINISCENT REGRET

2008-10-27T13:57:00.000-04:00

I’m reminded of the things I take for granted

All of the time

As I fight for balance

Prioritizing moments

Missing the most important

Then regretting choices,

Knowing there’s no going back

Or taking back either

Such a bitter pill to consume

When nothing can be done

In reversing or in changing

Things already done

KDC 10/08

FARTHER

2008-10-27T11:10:00.000-04:00

The farther we dig
The more roots are found
In the silence under ground
Where nothing speaks

The farther we go
In the down direction
The tighter the roots are held
In darkest place

The farther the fruit
That falls from the tree
The more rotten and sour,
Distasteful it is

The farther we push
The buttons depressed
The less we hear the sound
Of insistent alarm

The farther we build
The wall up high still
The harder it is to tear down
And destroy forever

KDC 10/08

HELP

2008-10-11T18:08:00.003-04:00

Lord, please help me let them go,
These notions I’ve in mind,
To fly away upon the wind
And leave me here to find
That I need not be tied to them
As long as you are mine,
For though I cry upon their loss,
Your love runs deep and wide.

Lord, please help me look to you
When troubled to forget,
For though I know you’ve made me new
The past will hold me yet
To rote, involuntary thoughts
That turn my willing head
From seeking first to find you
In the trust that you know best.

Lord, please help me to accept
The need I have for you,
Assist me never to lament
Dependence on your truth
And if I start to think that I
Deserve the peace you won,
I pray you put me in my place
Before your throne, undone.

C.S. Lewis QUOTES

2008-10-08T22:20:00.004-04:00

Did you know that the C.S. stands for Clive Staples?

A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell.

Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither.

Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important.

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.

The long, dull, monotonous years of middle-aged prosperity or middle-aged adversity are excellent campaigning weather for the devil.

You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.

C. S. Lewis

VICTIMS

2008-10-08T15:39:00.002-04:00

Sometimes it’s a circumstance,
A change in life resembling chance,
Sometimes it’s a consequence,
Decisions made with no defense,
Sometimes it’s a hurtful word
Leaving scars once we’ve been burned,
Sometimes it’s a lie that’s heard,
Believed too long before we learned.

Other times we’re singled out,
Or so it seems to those in doubt,
While other times a violent act
Can leave us where we can’t relax,
Still other times we’re stricken down
By sickness as it makes its rounds,
Or other times wrong place, wrong time
We witnessed things now stuck in mind.

The truth is that some time or other
All of us are victimized,
Not one escapes this world unharmed
By pain and hurt and sin and lies.
We all could claim the reasons why,
Excuse behavior, rationalize
Behavior that does not become
The children of the Holy one.

KDC 10/08

The Danger of Over-Protection

2008-10-07T11:52:00.004-04:00

We live in a fearful world. The media and the entertainment industry feed that fear by focusing on crime, injustice, and pain more than on any goodness that might remain in the chaos of our shrinking world. Those of us who are "in the world but not of it" must struggle to maintain a positive and hopeful outlook in the midst of what occurs around us.

The response of many to the pervasive fear in our world today is often to become protective, and I dare say over-protective. We wish to protect our children, our property, our careers, our beliefs, and even ourselves from other people and their bad intentions. In an effort to protect what we perceive as "ours", we can isolate ourselves and our children from the outside world and thus maintain a false feeling of safety at least within our own families, our own homes, our controlled environment.

I submit that this is quite a dangerous prospect, and is ultimately not the healthiest way for humans to live. The fact is that we need other humans, both for social interaction and for support in times of trial and need. We also need to feel needed by others. Studies have shown that people with a wide base of support and involvement in society are happier and live longer.

Even apart from the need for sharing our lives with others, there is inherent danger in isolation due to the risk of misplacing our trust. This is perhaps the biggest issue with a fear-based outlook leading to over-protectiveness. Are we trusting in our government to protect us? Are we trusting law enforcement to protect us? Are we trusting our families or parents to protect us? Are we trusting in ourselves? In our weapons? In our escape tactics? In our knowledge and intellect? In our money? (I can not help but want to laugh out loud at these prospects...)

NONE of the entities listed above are trustworthy. I pray that this does not come as a shock to anyone reading this. Every single person, organization, tactic, and physical quality WILL let us down. It has been proven over the ages too many times to require mention. There is ONE trustworthy being in all of the universe, and ONE only. That is God, the Almighty, the Creator of everything, and He who knows the future. Only He is trustworthy and we must learn to put all of our trust in Him alone, for ONLY HE can protect us! He is above all...

Does putting our trust in God alone mean that we will no longer experience any suffering? Certainly not. He himself has told us that we will suffer in this world, especially if we openly confess our faith in Him. But ultimately, in the end, in the long run and in the only world that matters - we'll be with Him, we'll be safe, and we'll be happy. On that we can depend.

CONTROL ME

2008-09-22T09:10:00.002-04:00

There was a movie out in theatres a few years back that starred Anthony Hopkins and Cuba Gooding. It was titled "INSTINCT", and the crazed character of Hopkins, a brilliant professor tainted by an experience with overseas research in the jungles of Africa, shed light on some things of which I had not previously been consciously aware. My favorite scene in the movie is when Gooding, the psychologist assigned to Hopkins' case, is forcefully held face-down on the table by his inmate client who remains shackled at the wrists. Hopkins asks his therapist repeatedly what he has lost? "WHAT HAVE YOU LOST?", he yells insistently. Gooding guesses cleverly, offering up power, choice, freedom, and control in answer to the impromptu quiz. Each time he is mistaken, his face is shoved violently against the table once again with a repeated, "NO! WHAT HAVE YOU LOST?" Finally, an idea seems to pass by Gooding's eyes as he cries out, "My illusions! I've lost my ILLUSIONS!" at which point he is immediatley released from the hold that Hopkins had on him physically. "Yes, you lost your illusions. Remember, even control is merely an illusion, boy."

What a powerful message - all is an illusion. Just as Solomon points out in the book of Ecclesiastes, all is vanity. It is all for show, all about appearances. We struggle to appear in control of our 'destiny' and our 'success'. When you really get down to it, what do we have? Our body? No, that is subject to injury, illness, and death. The body is actually very fragile. Our mind? No, also subject to attack and decay. Our life? No, that does not belong to us -nor did we make it - nor can we sustain it past the appointed time. Our time? No, for time is greatly fleeting and we fade quickly like the flowers of the field.

The truth is that we are nothing, and we have nothing that really belongs to us. Even our own lives are not our own. ALL CONTROL IS ILLUSION. We expend major amounts of energy attempting to control our environments, our relationships, our health, and how we spend our time. I must agree with Solomon categorically - it is all vanity.

SORTING

2008-09-12T09:44:00.001-04:00

It’s a huge, fine mess
Of tangled up strings
With knots tied tight
Representing things
That caught us up
And thus enlarged
The ball of wax
Or house of cards
That’s fallen far
Below the line
That once was straight
But now defined
By twisted yarns
So that the time
To sort it out
Becomes a daunting task.

KDC 9/08

2008-09-11T11:43:00.003-04:00

ALL MY OWN

My troubles are my own doing,
I can not blame them on you, God.
From my decisions the dilemma comes,
For consequences match choices.

My God has no need to punish,
For the result of my own actions
Is enough to cause me pain,
I can not put the blame on you, God.

Perhaps my God is at fault
For doing nothing to save me
From these difficulties,
For leaving me to my sin?

My troubles are my own doing,
And if He saves or spares me
Then I will not learn,
My God knows this full well.

If anger overtakes me
As I suffer from my self-concern,
I’ll not direct it at my Lord
For my troubles are my own doing.

THE IMPORTANCE OF WORDS

2008-09-08T11:53:00.001-04:00

Loving Too Much

2008-08-30T09:38:00.002-04:00

This is a subject which I have pondered extensively, and which at first glance seems to present us with a catch 22. If our purpose in life is to love others, as God has dictated, then how could we possibly love too much? If love is entirely good, which the Word also assures, then how could more love ever be bad? Using the most common tools of rationalization, it is hard to ascertain how "too much love" could be a possibility at all.

There have been times in my life when I thought my heart would burst, when experiencing the purity of God-love for someone. This love is without thought, selfless, deeper than emotion, and painfully real. When it is experienced, time stops as we recognize the limitless power of God's art in an individual's design. It is then that we recognize the infinite nature of God, and feel humbled at our own ignorance. However, there is a very fine line between this real, divine love and its counterfeit! The counterfeit is what we know as obsession. Obsession occurs when instead of simply appreciating divine love for its existence and appearance, we begin to want it for ourselves, more and more of it, and we never want the experience of it to end.

I submit that it is, in fact, possible to love a person too much. Here I must steal a quote from (once again) the incomparable C.S. Lewis, "The Four Loves". In this work, he states...

"It is not possible to love someone too much, it is only possible that we love someone too much in comparison with our love for God."

Any of us who have identified with this question in any regard - with respect to a person, a material possession, a substance, a beloved animal, an occupation, or a child - are immediately silenced by the above statement. It is so obvious, so plain once we see it clearly in writing. Yes, it is all about the priority of our loves and the first command ever given the human race by God himself... "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your mind, and all your soul". The second is like unto it, "Love your neighbor as yourself". The order of these commands is paramount. FIRST, we love GOD with our whole being. THEN we are able to love others and love ourselves. If the subtle temptation to reverse the order overcomes us and we begin to love the gift more than the giver, we are loving someone or something too much in comparison with our love for God which must precede and supercede all other loves.

Good Quote

2008-08-26T13:06:00.001-04:00

We can not see light, but with light we can see things.

C.S. Lewis

NOTHING LIKE YOU

2008-08-18T13:12:00.001-04:00

You’ve tried so hard
But we keep messing up
Because it’s what we do best,
Taking what’s perfect
And making it “better”,
Avoiding the need to confess.

You’ve called and drawn
The worst of us towards you
Because you love us that much,
But we find our ways
To go it alone again,
Still shying away from your touch.

You’ve saved us from
The curse of selfishness
Over and over in time,
Yet here we are fighting
For personal ground,
Unable to see down the line.

You’ve given your all
And spared not your son
That we might have rest for our souls,
But we don’t believe
In a truly good being,
Assuming we lack as a whole.

You’ve opened the gates
To let mercy flow down
On us who are nothing like you,
Convinced we’re the rulers
Of our destiny
And right to invent our own truth.

You are ever patient,
Slowest to anger,
Filled with compassion for us,
Although we rebel
And insist we know better,
You look on us always in love.

KDC 8/08

"FREE" WILL

2008-07-29T22:05:00.002-04:00

Let's take a look at the subject of free will. To quote my favorite author of the 20th century, C.S. Lewis, "God gave us free will in order that we might love. Without the choice to love, we are merely robots. Love that is commanded or executed by some higher force is no love at all." Who can dispute this argument? I certainly can not. Love, by its nature, involves placing the object of the love above oneself. That is difficult for most, impossible for some. But beyond the implications that free will has towards the subject of love, what about its general purpose and use? Is Free Will really free? I propose that it is not. Free will is an illusion, for every choice that we make has consequence. We are free to make choices of our own volition and will, yes. However, those choices always affect the lives of others, for no man is an island (to quote another famous author).

For example, suppose that I choose to exert my free will in drinking alcohol. I choose to imbibe regular copious amounts of it until I am entrenched in the habit of becoming intoxicated. Is there anything to stop me from doing so? No, for I have free will. However, the consequence of these actions to my family, friends, and even total strangers might be quite dire. My health would surely deteriorate, my judgement become clouded, my motivation lax, and my motor skills slowed. The repercussions of my drunkeness would continue into the far reaches of my life like circles on the water into which a pebble has been thrown. My "free will" therefore, is not free at all, for it is inherently tied to the lives of others. If we love others, then we consider them before ourselves. Therefore, my will must be bent toward what is best for those that I love.

This is the crux of the argument, the bending of the will. Truly the only choice that we actually have is in what direction to bend it, correct? We might choose to bend our will toward selfishness, toward obsession, toward work, toward intellect, toward the approval of others, or toward God. The latter is the only appropriate choice, since only God's will is superior to our own. If we consciously choose to bend our will toward God's, using the freedom that we have to choose what is best and most right according to our conscience, then we have directed our choices in the most altruistic manner possible. Only in this scenario is the free will used to influence others in good ways instead of bad.

The exercising of the will is likened to any other form of exercise - it must be enacted over and over again in order to be in good shape, as we call it. Our will is accustomed to fighting, to having its way, to satisfying and gratifying the desires of the flesh. The more we bend it toward the will of God, the more it is accustomed to doing so. The more we bend it toward the needs of self, the more it is accustomed to doing so. The muscle of the "free" will is exercised any time we make choices that are of import to the lives of others.

I submit that the choices detailed above are the most crucially important in any human life. Which way will your will bend?

Is Anyone truly Surrendered?

2008-07-11T15:17:00.000-04:00

The White Flag

Surrender comes in many colors
Like the blue of fallen dreams
Bordered ‘round the hazy yellows
Where illusion used to be
In solid purple ‘gainst the gold
That was control’s majestic beat
Marching next to independence,
Red and brazen inside me.

Behold the grayness under choices
Fitting pieces perfectly
‘Til over blackness there’s a portrait
Dressed in humble subtlety
And waiting for the narrow brush
To detail where the white should be
A banner waving dawn to dusk
Proclaiming what we know as free.

KDC 7/08

Ever Wonder?

2008-07-01T16:02:00.001-04:00

THE MEANING

What does it mean for the heart to open,
When memory’s flood reappears,
Where does it take us to places forgotten,
And how can we see it all clear?

Whenever we look straight into the sunlight
It’s blinding to one who is not prepared
But when we are ready to see what it shines on
True lessons are learned from what’s there.

Relationships past and long since unbidden
Are coming to mind and exposed in the heart
Teaching me why I was there in the first place
And truths they were meant to impart.

The spirits of people I loved in this lifetime
Will always remain close at hand
And recalling their laughter, their touch,
Or their eyes brings back what we couldn’t have planned.

What does it mean to love one another
The way that the Lord has loved us?
Isn’t there surely a permanent marker
On souls that have empathized much?

I praise the artist in heaven above
For finally drawing my heart
Out of its shelter that served as a prison
And kept us all trapped in the dark.

The Way we Are

2008-06-10T22:48:00.000-04:00

THE BOX

I’d settle you inside a box,
Attach a heavy safety lock,
Sure to lose the key in time
I’d give up hope and never find
A way to take you out again
To trust in how the heart can mend.

I trapped you like you said I would,
Assumed that you were far from good,
For I had made the worst mistake
In trusting you to help me make
The most of what I came to need
Beyond the time it took to grieve.

I never could have guessed that you
Would not conform to who I knew
When once we promised it would last
Although it happened far too fast
For one as insecure as I
In terms of how we made love die.

If it were not for greater good
You’d still be there misunderstood
And I would be consumed with fear
Not knowing change was real and near
Unlocked within surrender’s prize
Released by Him who can not lie.

KDC 6/08

Where I Go

2008-06-05T08:07:00.002-04:00

Within the numbers there's no pain
But simple right or wrong
The black of symbols on white page
A clean and noble place to hide
From uttered words that, lacking care,
Scatter towards a target
Long since gone and buried,
Lost in computation fair.

EDEN GONE

2008-05-09T09:57:00.001-04:00

He doesn’t protect us from hurting ourselves,
He will not prevent us from falling,
He lets us experience great torrents of pain
All in the name of His calling.

We’re caught unaware of the powerful danger
Until we are already trapped as its prey
And yet we remain so naïve to the changes
Occurring to force our perceptions astray.

We hear that he loves us apart from condition
And knows no boundary He can not leap,
But something refuses to calculate cleanly
In minds that were left in the void of belief.

All that we know to be real and distorted
Regarding existence in Eden’s black stain
Defies what we want to believe at our center,
That punishment isn’t the reason for pain.

KDC 4/08

Investment

2008-04-19T23:36:00.002-04:00

I have a theory about relationships that I am working on and thought I'd share the rudimentary beginnings with you all. It involved the comparison of relationships with financial investments. Granted, this sounds somewhat cold and uninteresting. However, there are some useful and insightful parallels that make sense to look at, I believe.

I would like to look at 4 FACTORS that influence or determine the ROI, otherwise known as the Return on Investment. Later on, or in another post, we'll look at the big picture and the spiritual implications of each factor.

Factor #1 - TERM

The first factor that we must consider in determining our return/harvest/payoff/reaping is the TERM of the investment, i.e. how long we choose to invest in it. We are all aware of the impact of long-lasting relationships over shorter ones, and the payoff from sticking it out with a person through thick and thin, easy and hard, good and bad. Memories are created, bonds grow stronger (pun intended), roots penetrate deeper into each soul involved. If I choose to give up on an investment entirely and stop sowing into it, my return is obviously sacrificed. Long term investments are known to be the safest, surest, and most productive types.

Factor #2 - PERCENTAGE

This factor represents the amount of our resources dedicated to the investment, as a percentage of the total available. In relationship, we are investing a certain percentage/portion/part/fraction of our very self and our life. There are rules that we should follow in determining how much of ourselves to invest in a given relationship. For instance, our relationship with God is automatically to be the largest investment of time and energy. Our relationship with our spouse should be invested in moreso that into other relationships such as friends, children, or co-workers.

Factor #3 - RISK

As with any investment, the amount of risk we take is directly proportional to the potential payoff. In other words, the more we open ourselves up to take a loss, the more we are also open to be greatly blessed with reward. It is difficult for many people to accept the vulnerability required to create the give and take/sow and reap dynamic that most of us desire. We want the great payoff, the major ROI, but often do not want to take the necessary relational risk to acheive it.

Factor # 4 - Much Is Beyond our Control

When discussing financial planning and ROI and risky vs. conservative investing, we must consider that many of the factors influencing the harvest are beyond our control. This is like a as a farmer's return on his crop that is largely affected by weather (uncontrollable), bugs (largely uncontrollable), seed quality (largely uncontrollable), and market price (uncontrollable). In relational investment, the free will of the other individual, circumstance beyond our control, temptation of either party, patience of either part, and so on - are all beyond our control. The most we can do is to be wise with our sowing, but the reaping is never guaranteed.

A different kind of poem...

2008-03-27T12:10:00.001-04:00

AROUND

Towards a tree the dog pulls
Old lady holding its leash
Around
Intent on darting squirrel
One of many in like kind
Around
The waters that glisten
For all at sunken lake’s edge
Around
Walker’s path now crowded
As the sounds of day arise
Around
The moist and tepid air
In the morning we can breathe;
Around
Goes the clock ticking hours
And the year passing seasons
Around
To well-worn holidays
And birth dates we know by heart
Around
The cycles of living;
In time we learn that all comes
Around.

In Case we wonder...

2008-03-21T12:43:00.001-04:00

SMALLNESS

My Lord, my God, my King,
What am I before you?
A fraction of the world of clay
You mold within your mighty hands?
A single soldier in armies vast,
Assembled over all of time?
One tiny flower amidst the acres
Blooming wild in the sun of your making?
A colorful fish in a school of millions
Within the giant ocean’s deep?
Or a beautiful shell, buried in sand,
As yet undiscovered on miles of coast?
Lone bird on the wing in a sky full of danger
Lost in a cloud of all others that fly?
A fading ripple upon the waters
Defining existence in physical terms?

Yet none of this vanity matters,
The answers to hypothetical questions,
For your ways are beyond tracing out,
More complex than we could fathom,
A force over which we stumble,
In minds of your own making.
As creations of a maker we only hope to know
In spirit and truth, based on telling words, ancient,
We trust not in what we can see with vision,
For our sight is narrow, our thoughts confined,
The works of our hands pathetic attempts
At mimicry such as a child for its parent,
Following the only leader he can imagine
And trusting implicitly the father’s wisdom -
Not only in teaching the lessons of life
But in caring for the naive child,
Reaching, needing, asking, seeking love.

American Indian Proverb

2008-03-12T09:29:00.001-04:00

When you think you know someone, you have killed them.

More Poetry

2008-03-07T23:22:00.002-05:00

The Land of the Living

In the land of the living

We all choose to die

For the bodies we live in

Do not give us life,

As hearts become battered

Our hands become tied

Behind backs that are broken

And minds full of lies

That see what they want to

Without open eyes

And, hearing the bell toll,

Grow fearful of time.

In the realm of occurrence

We’re barely alive,

Clinging to history

By which we’re defined

And deaf to the whisper

From deep down inside,

Reaching to surface

The suffering tide

Of rampant emotion

To gently remind

That under the current

Still insight resides.

In the kingdom of spirit

We ought to arrive

After seeking for naught

But the strength to survive

Until we are broken

By forces maligned

And beg just to feel

The relief we can’t find

From sources external -

The more that we try,

One way becomes clearer

In whom to abide.

At the Time of Death

2008-03-06T09:01:00.004-05:00

At times I have thought about dying and how much easier it would be than living. That is why suicide is such a cop-out, such a coward's way to go. Not that it wouldn't be romantic and a powerful statement to make, like shouting to the world, "I Hate You!" or like saying to everyone who has ever hurt us, "See what you've done?" Still, something inside of me doesn't want to give them the satisfaction. And what about all of the good people, the ones who try NOT to hurt others, who die unexpectedly, tragically? What a slap in the face to all of them. In an encounter with the REAL prospect of death, it certainly must lose its appeal. In the face of anonimity, would not all of us struggle to hold onto the only life we've ever known, the only reality we've been offered?

There is so much pain in this life - not just my own, but in general. It is all around us - on the news, in the food chain, between lovers, and in hospitals full of those wanting another chance to feel its sting. Physical pain pales compared with being lost forever, gone from a world we have yet to figure out. So we, the living, struggle to make sense of it all, yearn for a sign that we are important, that we make a difference, that our presence somehow shifts the balance ever so slightly toward good.

As we age, people come and go from our lives, some temporarily and others forever, each moving on to their own unique destiny. The ones who have died to this world can't tell us the secrets we so long to know, and we cannot benefit from their after-life wisdom, nor their familiar impact on our now-emptier existence. It is not their connection that we miss, but the possibility of it, like when an old friend looks us up after years of silence or we catch sight of them at a public gathering and remembrance ensues.

None of us realize how short it is, this time we've been given. Otherwise it wouldn't be so hard to love the ones with whom we share life. In full awareness of what we could be missing, we would treasure the moments together and forget the reasons why we argue, why we separate from one another, why we succumb to the demands of a horribly corrupt world. We see evidence of this when faced with a loved one's demise; nothing matters compared with drinking in the final hours alongside them, creating as many memories as possible before the potential retreats. We put aside work, schedules, and other relationships just for a little more time with the soon-to-be-departed, sacrificing even sanity to hold the hand that still promises warmth, to look into the knowing eyes and engrave them into a memory also fleeting.

Is this not the best we humans have to offer, the death-bed kind of love that forgives all and manufactures time for sharing ourselves? It is transforming, impactful, meaningful, necessary. Time itself is suspended in a dream-like state of belief and disbelief. Belief that there is hope, that miracles happen and people survive against all odds. Disbelief that we ever take for granted the privilege of spending time with another soul.

When all of existence shrinks into the tiny bubble surrounding the family in grief, the importance of the moment becomes clear. The last of these are cherished and desperate as we covet one final opportunity for communication and understanding. The definition of life as measured on the linear scale of time becomes painfully clear and the hope in an afterlife of peace essential.

Willful Bondage (or Freedom Continued...)

2008-03-03T08:22:00.003-05:00

Continuing in the freedom from fear, the freedom to be who we were made to be without the fear of others' reactions or judgements, requires courage and perseverance. Why? It would seem to be ridiculous, preposterous, almost unthinkable that we would bend our will against our own freedom. However, here I propose a reasoned approach in answer to the question of why we will ourselves into continued bondage to fear.

First of all, we are brought up and taught from an early age to be fearful. Our mothers (bless them, for they know not what they do) instill in us the fear of physical injury, the fear of failure in school or other endeavor, the fear of rejection from her or from others. We are to do our best to be successful, to be likeable, to be safe. We fear the consequences of doing otherwise. As a child, love, approval, and acceptance are our constant motivators.

Second, the world teaches us to fear other humans. We learn early on that some people are mean, dangerous, uncaring, violent, and selfish. We learn that there are people to fear. We doubt the goodness that we once believed all people to contain in their hearts.

Lastly, we fear the unknown. This is the predominant fear of the adult who finds personal freedom only to return to the bondage of living on the run, always searching and never finding the safety that is available by choice. It is a cruel irony that our own choices result in slavery versus freedom, and that the inner peace and expansion we desire is there for the taking all along. The Lord holds it out to us on a silver platter, begging us to trust him and eat of it. We too often push the plate away, denying ourselves the gift of release.

We often read or hear the story of the Israelites after they were led out of slavery in Egypt by Moses and Aaron. We laugh at their wandering in the desert for 40 years, we question their desire to return to Egypt after all that God has done for them, we show disgust for their murmuring and grumbling against the gifts of God. Is this not a mirror of our own behavior? Are we also not inclined to rely on our former lifestyle of fear because it is what we have known?

I propose that the greatest temptation to return to bondage lies with familiarity. We are creatures of habit, enjoying what we know versus what we do not, and seeking well-defined limitations versus the responsibility of unlimited choice. Ofcourse, a dicussion on free will could ensue, and would be appropriate in this context. However, we have gone far enough in understanding the behavior of our ancestors, the early Jews. While they lived among the Egyptians, who enslaved them and treated them harshly, they had the security of knowing that their needs were met. They always had food, always had shelter, always knew what the day would bring. They knew what was expected of them, and had little choice in how their time would be spent. They led well-directed, even orchestrated lives. The confinement of slavery was appealing in its simplicity and familiarity.

In closing, let us ponder the gift of freedom from limitation and the responsibility it brings. In return for bending our free will towards the purposes of God, surrendering our lives to His control, and suppressing the fear of the unknown in favor of embracing its wonder, we are given the freedom to be the complex, unlimited beings He has made us to be. In return for trusting in His ultimate and faithful goodness, His care for us as His children, His plans for our life (over and above our own - ouch!), and His knowledge of what is best for us (over and above our own - ouch!) we are given the ultimate in freedom! This is the freedom to care ONLY about what God thinks, about only HIS judgement of us, and to pursue the life He lays out in our spirits. All striving, all doubt, all opinion of man is cast away. In place of allowing our lives to be defined by other humans, we live a life defined by our Creator and the lover of our souls. Hallelujah.

FREEDOM DEFINED

2008-02-25T01:02:00.002-05:00

What is FREEDOM?

We hear this word used a lot, both in our personal culture and in terms of our nationality. I thought a lot about freedom, and what its meaning truly is. The Bible states that "the truth will set you free", and I wanted to define that state of freedom.

It may seem obvious that this freedom does not entitle us to do whatever we want. However, is that not what modern culture asserts? Freedom is being able to buy a motorcyle and ride cross-country, eat a half gallon of ice cream at midnight, or go out on the town at will. It is the freedom to do our OWN WILL, is it not?

An immature individual seeks that kind of freedom, but it soon grows unsatisfactory. The reason is that just because we CAN do something does not mean that we SHOULD do it. Where is the conscience, the self-restraint, the responsibility? We must exert our will to choose NOT to do those things which would harm us or others, and to choose TO do those things which would benefit the most people, perhaps but not necessarily including ourselves.

I do not believe that real freedom has one iota to do with action. Although freedom of religion, freedom of speech, freedom from discrimination, and freedom to vote are all wonderful and worthwhile things, we must go even further into the meaning of freedom.

TRUE FREEDOM IS FREEDOM FROM FEAR

What we are really saying above is that we should not have to FEAR speaking our minds, we should not have to FEAR worshipping in the way we choose, we should not have to FEAR not having a say in our government, we should not have to FEAR being discriminated against.

Personally, this important law still holds true. When we are truly free spirits, we do not fear man. We fear nothing that another person might do to hurt or harm us, in any way. We understand that God will take care of us and that the next life is better than the current one. We put our trust in that which is OUTSIDE of this world, OTHER than what we can see, and ABOVE all else.

The truth does set us free, and gives us the peace that we need to live without fear. Any freedom which falls short of this goal in a day and time when so many people live their lives in fear is not freedom at all, but bondage.

BEYOND

2008-02-19T00:24:00.002-05:00

I’m asking you to break my heart,
To shatter it and tear apart
The hardened fibers
Wound up tight
Around a core
That hides in fright
Of knowing what it may yet be
Uncovered and entirely free
To give and one day to receive
The love that you’ve designed for me
Apart from what I have believed
Or anything I can conceive –
That ministers in midst of grief
So burdensome and very deep
The soul would yearn for death to see
The face of heaven
Beyond flesh’s need.

KDC 2/08

A Recent Poem

2008-02-04T21:08:00.000-05:00

THE THORN

This is the thorn
That was given to me
To pierce the lie of vanity
And keep me searching day by day
To find the truth, the life, the way.

The goal is not to rid me of
This twisted way of viewing love,
Instead to make me humble as
The one who keeps me coming back
To find the straight and narrow path.

KDC 12/07

REMORSE

2008-02-04T21:06:00.000-05:00

REMORSE

It feels like being punished
Just for being honest,
As if it wasn’t hard enough
Just to have the courage
To own the sin that I let in,
The sin that badly hurt us,
And beg to be forgiven
(Though I know I don’t deserve it)
So that nothing will be hidden
From the One who won’t desert us
When we’re reaching out for others
Who insist that they can’t learn us
And cringing from successive blows,
The repercussions still unknown,
While consequence brings pain that wasn’t worth it.

KDC 9/07

Something's Missing

2008-02-04T21:04:00.000-05:00

Something’s Missing

My heart is heavy in my chest
And though I try my very best
My mind won’t give your face a rest
From suffering these long affects.

I sometimes think I can’t believe
That you have really had to leave
This awesome synchronicity
And how it made our lives complete.

The sadness surely once will go,
Retiring to the ground like snow
And settling deep within, I know,
Although the change in time is slow.

This distance doesn’t mean a thing
To us who to each other cling
For something that our soul’s can bring,
The wind beneath another’s wings.

KDC
2/07